The Lists

So on D-Day (Announcing I might want a divorce day) we agreed to make several lists. The first is our WISH LIST of what we would like the other person to change. The second was what we need to Change About Ourselves and the third was Fun Things We Could Do As A Couple. The Things To Do As a Couple List has its own issues. Like can I really take dance lessons without throwing out my back? Do I have to own a Harley to shoot pool in a pool hall? If I text a sexy message to my husband will it be intercepted by a child and what is the code word for nipples?

I have been working diligently trying to put together my list in a way that either a) just lists what the thing is b) what the thing is and how it affects me c) what the thing is and list an example or d) all of the above. When I started the wish list I wondered if I would get even eight things on it but as a wrote it began to just flow out of me and I ended up with 21 things on his list and 23 things on mine. As I sit back and think about this I realize if I could come up with all of these items so fast then obviously there are things I have chosen to ignore, things that have bothered me over time, etc. Maybe I should have worked on some of these before now.

The lists also made me mad and got me thinking thoughts like “Hey, buddy the decision to keep going in the marriage or to end it is mine too. And you might be surprised how the ending will be different than the ending you have pictured in your mind. Maybe I will move away and attend college and you will have the kids while I do so.”  This is not just your game to call.

Of course, we cannot exchange lists now because B took the boys up to Church Camp the day after he dropped the bomb and they are gone for a week. The sad thing is I do not miss them a bit but then again they have only been gone 24 hours. I am soaking up the quietness of the house like a future skin cancer victim soaks up the rays of the sun.

Frankly, it is so nice not to be met with the constant battles of a teen who has autism. The “I don’t want to’s”, the non-stop “no’s”. Honestly, I think I have been overwhelmed by all the special needs in this house for the past year. I know I have lost a sense of hope for Andre which is a terrible thing because I have always had hope and it has sustained me during the trying times. To be without hope feels like walking in a swamp with no moon and no flashlight; the alligators lining the banks ready to take off your toes. Or worse.

If I am honest there are days where I dream of a place consisting of cabana boys to do my bidding, maids, and professional low-calorie meal making chefs. A place where the word, “MOOOMMMMMMM” is banned and people smile as they pass you and no one gives you the finger when you accidentally slide into their lane of life. Right now I feel like the cosmic middle finger is raised in my honor!

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