Lies and Deception

Okay, I have to be honest here. I KNEW THIS WAS COMING…SOMEDAY…just not now… this minute, this hour, this year. Even though I have seen this played out in my mind 100 times I was still dumbstruck when B came to me and uttered that ugly seven letter word D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

So you might be wondering if you knew; why didn’t you do anything about it?  Believe me, it’s not for lack of trying. The fact is my husband stuffs his feelings, doesn’t share and honesty scares him. I knew this was coming because I began sensing it about two years ago but no longer trusted in myself to be my own determiner of truth. Frankly, I asked, begged, and cajoled B but…”nothing is wrong… everything is fine” were the only words I heard. But it wasn’t. Obviously. And today, after the “shock” no longer has the power to kill the soul but just send this heart in life threatening arrhythmias; I am mad. Really mad. Why?  Because if my husband is the man he has claimed to be, he shouldn’t have let his disappointments/anger/frustration at me and our relationship build to the point that he casually tossed a match and in the process burnt the house down. No, in my book, you are suppose to share and be honest, which in turn puts out the little fires before they become the raging inferno that feels like it is now consuming my very soul.

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And here is the other thing… by not being honest with me it made me experience this vague sort of “unscratchable itch”…a feeling that something wasn’t quite right, keeping the Unisom company rolling in unexpected profits as I lain awake night after night trying to figure out what, if anything, was going on. And in doing so it was forcing me to be less than honest with myself. It felt like I was cavorting with Alice in Wonderland and not living an authentic life.  This lack of honesty made me feel even slightly crazy and left not believing in my own powers of intuition and maybe that hurts most of all. Because if you cannot believe in yourself and what you know is true, well, what CAN you believe in?

But mostly, I am mad because in knowing this was coming I have been living in fear with a sense of dread mixed in a/k/a LIMBO that soul sucking state of being from which there is no going forward and no going back. I was just stuck and I’ve been there for the past two years, living as if a ghost was haunting me. A ghost that no one believed in, yet, I felt its spirit was there taking up space in my mind and in my home. And now I am left to call in Ghost Busters or Myth Busters, for at this point they are one in the same and the bill to clean up this mess will make the National Debt look small. And it didn’t have to be that way if B’s own fears about honesty hadn’t held him captive.

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