I went back to look at something I had written about my husband approximately 12 years ago. This is what I wrote:
I can write about just about anything but B because no words I might use to describe him and what he means to me would ever do him justice. It’s like trying to describe a shining diamond. While one can attempt to describe its brilliance as it sparkles in the light you would still miss some aspects of its perfection just by not being in its presence. You would miss the subtle flickers of color cast around the room; the blues, pinks and yellows. You would be unable to count the thousand little points of light that dance around the room. It’s just one of those things that you have to be around to fully appreciate its incredible beauty. That is how I feel about B.
B is my inspiration. He is whom I strive to emulate. He is kind, considerate, compassionate, joyful and he has a soul that is at peace with itself. He pushes me to try to be the best I can be and he teaches our children not through mere words but from example. B is also dedicated to our family, to making the world a better place and to living his life in a manner that is ethical and sincere. He is a wonderful father to our children and is always helping them find their way to themselves.
For years I struggled in a job that gave me little in the way of satisfaction, creativity and fulfillment. It was B who gave me the encouragement to try writing for a living and in doing so allowed my life to return to me in unexpected ways. His support (both financial and emotional) has allowed me to learn about myself, warts and all. Thanks to him I have been able to follow my own twisted path to enlightenment and happiness. If I died tomorrow, I would die happy because I am one of the fortunate ones to have experienced true love from a man who has often put my selfish wants and needs above his own. A man who heart knows no bounds and for whom love is endless and complete. B is my diamond.
So how do I feel about this now? Do I feel the same when I re-read it 12 years later? For the most part I have to say I do. Time has eroded the sense of B being as ethical as I once thought he was at least as far as our personal relationship goes. I still believe he is ethical in his dealings with others, just not me at times. He is still kind, he continues to try to be joyful ( although I would say it has diminished some but let’s face it we have serious challenges in our family), compassionate and he still helps me try to be the best I can be. He is still a wonderful father and now he is a loving grandfather. His soul is definitely not at peace and that is due to our strained relationship and the stress he is feeling at work and whatever else he refuses to share. But what really strikes me about this writing is this:
Thanks to him I have been able to follow my own twisted path to enlightenment and happiness.
That is not true. At All. On so many levels.
And so what I really come away from in re-visiting this piece I had written is that things change. Quietly. Continuously. Changes exaggerate and expand as we age and get to know each other better. But in truth, we are who we are and although we will change we must also grow. And there is a difference between the two. Our relationship has changed but not always grown and we certainly have not grown together only further apart. And I have yet to find enlightenment.