Disjointed

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Not suppose to disagree. Somehow he thinks if he expresses himself that is the way it will be and no one should disagree with him. Express thoughts = big damn parade with balloons, dancing unicorns and me bringing up the rear with a banner reading “Anything You Want Honey. You Expressed Yourself. YEAH!”

All these years of being denied what he wanted because he refused to share now it must be his way. If he shares he is doing his part. No consequences. Period.

Excuse me. That’s not the way it works. You can’t say, “I am committed to you but the deep love is gone but I hope that maybe I find it again” and expect me to jump up and down like a cheerleader. “GOOD JOB, B!” waving my pom-poms around. I have the right to say FUCK YOU, which I haven’t because I am trying to maintain dignity and grace, but I just might.

It’s hard to lay in his arms at night. Both of us holding each other sweetly but tightly like we are each other’s life jackets trying to save ourselves from the waves washing up upon our relationship threatening to pull us apart. The safety of your arms no longer feeling as big and strong as I remember. And we both talk about the pain that is pulling us under and your words don’t seem to have the meaning that they did in the past.

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I try to remember that you are hurting too. I try to remember that this isn’t easy for either of us and that it is hard to find love again when two people are so scared, miserable from being scared, and unsure of the future. I try to remember that I KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT that you would save my life, risking yours, if I was in peril. But I’m not sure about our marriage, which is in peril, for it seems you will save yourself and not us. And I will be left on that life raft floating all alone.

But still knowing all this, knowing that we still have something even though it is hanging by a thread, this morning I want to kick you in the balls hard enough to drop you to the ground the way you have dropped me. To kick you so hard it would be difficult for gain your breath so you felt like the air was sucked out of you just the way I feel you have stolen the oxygen directly out of my lungs. Would this showing grace and dignity I want to embody in my life? Perhaps it wouldn’t but this morning I am not sure I care.

End of story. Today.

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4 thoughts on “Disjointed

  1. Here’s the thing with men in MLC……they need to blame the wife. That’s bullshit, but they close their brainwaves to that argument. You can’t help them or change them once they start down the rabbit hole. When they want out the door , they’re gone. He can be a wonderful father, but once he leaves headed for the new life, he will be a part of their lives less and less. Odds are he will quickly find a soulmate that is free to travel with him and oddly enough will love everything that he does. I’m not trying to be a downer here, just want you to take care of yourself. Blinders don’t work when dealing with a man going through MLC. He is totally different than the husband you’ve known for 30 years. Please have clear vision and watch your back. Every time you try to talk him into fixing things you’re feeding him….better to live your life excluding him. Hope for your sake that I’m wrong. My apologies for overstepping but I truly believe that forewarned is forearmed. Peace your way.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Heck yeah the more I excluded Charles the more he figured his own life out.. completely agree annasnow.. And why didn’t I think about kicking Charles in the balls??!! Where were you like two years ago with this.. that would have probably made me feel better back then.. because I wanted him to feel it.. the air.. the choking air feeling.. I get it.. I so do..

    Like

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