Why Now?

There were several times in our marriage that we might have broken up.  When your family refused to meet me not because I was me but because no girl that your mother had not picked out for you would be the “right” one. And in our early marriage in my total immaturity I would say, “Okay, let’s get a divorce” when we had an argument.There was that time in 1989. And when we found out we could not have biological children together. And when the IVF failed. When over a period of several months I could not reach you in your hotel room at 2 am…four different times at four different hotels. I counted. I remember. When I found those not quite dirty but not quite innocent texts between you and Gweniffer. So many times we could have just walked away… so why now?

Why now when we have six children depending on us? Why now when I have hit middle age? Why now when I have been out of the job market for many years raising our children together? Why now when we have created something that so many would die to have/experience what we have? Why now when we still have amazing sex… or does doing it for the 5,687 time bore you? Why now when you have  seven years until retirement? Why now when I have done what you have asked? Why now… even though I am not perfect, I have been a good wife moving so many times for your career and always cheering you on?

Sometimes I wonder how you could be so selfish and so harsh. Is that how you see me?

Sometimes I wonder how you could be so blind. Is that how you see me?

Sometimes I wonder how you could be so disconnected. Is that how you see me?

Sometimes I wonder how you can have sex with me when you no longer love me the way you want to?

Sometimes I wonder how we could have unraveled so far?

So why now? After over 30 years of togetherness? Can you just not stand me that much that you will sacrifice our family and our life together? Do you think it will be easier with the kids by yourself? Do you think you will find someone younger, prettier and better than me? Maybe so but maybe not, yet this I know… I no longer know what to think. I no longer know what to feel. I no longer know what to do. I am at a complete and utter loss…and you have put me there.

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14 thoughts on “Why Now?

  1. Your palpable pain and sadness radiate through this writing. I’m sorry you are going through this. It never is a good time, you would ask this exact same question at any stage of your life. I wish you strength and endurance – if you can take it one day at a time hopefully you’ll find some peace and answers soon. Hugs

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  2. maybe that is what it is. maybe he is going through a real mid life crisis. a depression. maybe he cannot see the wood for the trees. (i forget the saying) maybe he has no fucking clue what he’s doing. so maybe it’s important for you to say THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME. He is the one in crisis. He is the fucked up one. Don’t make yourself feel bad. If you can. I dunno…

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  3. I am a long time reader — I wonder if it is the kids and family life that he is trying to get away from and not you. I think it is interesting that you ask about being with the kids by himself easier. My sense from reading your blog is that he isn’t so interested in the kids. And he might leave them all to you. I sometimes think he is looking for a calm oasis at his age and realizing he doesn’t have it and won’t anytime soon. Perhaps I am misinterpreting your comments/descriptions along they way, but a constant nagging in the back of my head as I have read, is this sounds like a man facing years and years of continued parenting and he doesn’t want to do it anymore.

    What is your long term plan for your boys? Will they be able to live independently?

    My sense is that your husband also has an unrealistic view of what a marriage looks/feels like after so many years. Sometimes I think you might too. I think you both are looking for a great passion that I don’t think most marriages have after 30 years. And he is ignoring the fact of the comfortable love you have now. That is the everlasting love that matters.

    Liked by 1 person

    • THanks for the thoughts, Alice. He really is involved with the kids. IIt might be him who would have the kids, actually. do agree he is looking for peace and calm at this point in his life. Don’t know if one of them will be able to live independently. Yes, he is ignoring the comfortable love that we have.I think he would like to change everything about his life…work. wife, etc.

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      • I bet he isn’t expecting to have the kids. That doesn’t compute with what I think I am reading about him.

        That said, is a job change in order?

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      • We used to have a joke/agreement that went, “Whoever leaves first has to take the kids.” I have reminded him of that.

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