Into The Dark I Go

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So this week I went to see my therapist. We had an interesting discussion in which she told me that I do not have to say out loud every thought that enters my brain. And while I have “understood” this for quite a while I have a hard time putting it into practice for it stems from some parts of my childhood and marriage that are not yet resolved. For whatever reason, I associate that saying what you feel it = honesty. Not saying what you feel = dishonesty.

“How is that working for you?” she asked. “Not too well is it? I have to say your radar on honesty and dishonesty is out of whack. It is a defense that has nothing to do with true honesty and you need to work hard to figure it out.”

Even I have to admit she is correct. Evidence shows that this way of operating befuddles me and creates unnecessary pain for myself and others.

She went on:

“You think you are being honest when in fact you are not because you are not allowing time for things to gel. By jumping the gun you are getting facts wrong or putting them in a category that they do not belong in. You are not containing what you are thinking long enough to see if the facts line up with your powerful intuition and when you speak from intuition without the facts you are not being honest.You are not being mindful. In fact, by not allowing time to pass in which you can throughly examine what is before you, well, you are contributing to some of the dishonesty that occurs in your life.”

Ouch.

“Further,” she went on, “When you speak too soon it shows that you are not operating in a conscious and mindful manner. It shows that you are just surviving which is not healthy.”.

Ugh

Again she is right …which makes the near future a whole lot more difficult. Because once again I have got some heavy duty work to do on myself which means unpacking a lot of boxes that lie in the Place of Mystery which are hidden in the deep and dark recesses of my mind. And while I know it will be worth it in the end, right now it feels like trying to unwrap a house that has been encased in yards of cellophane one layer at a time. This feels hard, tiresome and exhausting.  And it will be. I try to remind myself that to produce the change I want to see, I have to put forth effort. So today, I start by unpacking one box and putting one foot in front of the other… so I get eventually get where I want to go.

With the light of wisdom

We leave behind the forest of confusion.

With determination we learn,

We reflect and practice -Thich Nhat Hanh

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3 thoughts on “Into The Dark I Go

  1. You are not alone and I am working on that too. I thought the same way honesty equals openess, transparency..
    But it seems I’m not wrong just a time and place for that.
    In my own time.
    I have to say it does work. I pray before I encounter others if I do not then things go crazy bananas.
    I regret what I say.
    Not letting things gel.
    Not every comment deserves a reply..
    Which I think blogging has helped associate my lifestyle with how I blog.
    Anyways I agree the uncasing of cellophane..
    Because it’s scary for me the unlocking all of that the patience.. the not surviving mode..
    That’s all I’ve known.. and not doing that is hard..
    And I think the worst part of it?
    That as I unwrap so many parts of me..
    Even though I’m not the cheating asshat?
    I find me and Charles are not so different.. we are both very hurt, pained people.. only difference is he has WAY more cellophane to unwrap and I think I help with that. I don’t put up with his bullshit..
    But same goes for him, he helps me with mine.
    And by not putting up with bullshit I have to verbalize not attack.. I’m not very good at that..
    I have to take time and really say what’s going on with me.
    Something on the surface of honesty.. but deep down when you’ve been surviving and just doing all your life?
    Finding truly what you like, what makes things come alive for me..
    That’s so much easier with Charles than without him.
    Great post.. I most certainly identify..
    Here’s to unwrapping another day
    ❤ ya!

    Like

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