Woodie

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He arrives home.

“I am not sure I want a divorce. i just need to be honest about my feelings. How I feel about you. Maybe like an alcoholic I need to hit bottom, tell you how I feel so I can move up and find that love for you again. It may take 6 months, it may take two years. I don’t know but I want to feel like we did when we met 30 years ago.”

The next day after many painful gut-wrenching talks.

He says: “My therapist says that maybe you should move out for 30 days. Why should it be me?”

She says: “I’m sorry. When you are the one wanting a divorce there are consequences for that. You don’t just get to go on it life like everything is okay and you are still entitled.”

Later that night

He would like a kiss goodnight. I would like one too. He thinks if he can just feel like he did 30+ years ago when we met everything will be okay. He truly believes that we can feel that youthful excitement and that every kiss will bring fireworks.

I kiss him

“Fireworks?” he asks.

“Nothing” I reply.

“I’ve got a woodie. I felt the fireworks.”

I don’t even know what to say about that. A woodie. What am I suppose to do about that? I am at a total loss.

Am I suppose to have sex with you in hopes of bringing us closer or am I suppose to not have sex because you tell me you no longer have “the love and passion to sustain a relationship.” Great sex is the one of the things we have shared all these years but it feels too painful now.

I guess to me sex has become very sacred, much more so than when I was young. When I was young sex was casual, free and everyone was doing it. Not any longer. Now it is meaningful to me. I put my heart and soul into it. Into pleasing one another.  It is one thing that is a miracle. Great sex after all these years. Yet, if you no longer have love or passion for me then you might as well just hire a hooker to please you because it feels like it is on the same level to me.

What am I to say to this? You want me to love you anyways? Still give you my heart and soul even though you will not give me yours?

What am I suppose to do with this? A broken relationship that you say you want to repair that I have worked on for two years and no matter what I have done it is not enough. I lose weight. I stop yelling. I keep a clean house. Everything you wanted and still I am not good enough. I am not enough for you.

What am I suppose to do with you? Love you until the very end or stop now to save my soul?

I have lost hope. If I keep trying, I give up my right to be a woman scorned because if I keep trying I do it knowing full well that the chances are not good for us to remain together. Perhaps I want to keep a little of that title. It provides a little measure of comfort though what I would do with it I cannot say but somehow that title just doesn’t appeal to me. A better one might be A Woman Better Off Without You.

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P.S. Thank you to all my friends who have rode my crazy merry-go-round for the past 2 years. I know it has wrung you out just as it has me. I know that you are as weary of this as I am. But thanks for hanging in for me. It helps knowing that you are there.

 

 

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19 thoughts on “Woodie

  1. Funny how people look for that spark again from when they first met. It’s impossible. You can have passion but that spark is meant for the beginning. That’s why it doesn’t last for anyone. I’m sorry you’re waiting patiently for him to figure out how to be happy. I think he feels dead inside because he’s having emotional trouble. And I think it messes with our self esteem and feelings of self worth. Such a hard process. You’ve done an excellent job hanging tight and not falling apart and sticking to your vows. You’ll never feel guilty that you didn’t do your all. It’s good he’s working with a therapist. Continued good luck. xo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Here’s an idea, tell him you might want a divorce and give him one year to fix it. Let’s see if he works as hard as you did. Seems he doesn’t want to be with you but is scared not to be with you. He might want to get another therapist. Sorry he’s putting you through this.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. You are thanking me for keeping up with you?
    Giirrrllllll…. of course I would be are from the saddest club yet some strong bad ass women! I mean so many of us could be on TV for just losing it and going to prison. Anyways I have enjoyed getting to know you and y’all might be having a bad day but from what I read fuck him. I’m serious a woodie, spark?
    You have gone above and beyond for love and he wants you to move out of your home?
    Fuck him…
    he’s being a complete douche right now
    I know I’m supposed to not speak malice so instead of deleting all my comments I will try and writing more calmly and think of Jesus
    This man has not been making you a priority after treating you like an option.
    His ideas about love and marriage seem twisted and his therapist? Oh good grief where to begin? What kind of therapist thinks it’s a good idea for the betrayed wife to leave her home how does them making or talking about decisions for your life speak therapy for your husband?
    I’m so sorry your husband seems like he’s being so dense about treating and cherishing you.
    And I am so amazed at what you have done all the work you have put in. You and I both know my story and much different.
    Hugs and hope to read from you soon ❤❤❤❤❤

    Like

    • I think he loves me but not like he wants. He literally wants that 20 yo love affair. The constant fireworks, that “she looks hot” all that stuff that is impossible at this point just due to our brain chemistry. I suspect he will probably start dating at some point and fall for the first woman he is with because he will have the fireworks not understanding that those will diminish too.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Damn right he can find a woman who will bring fire to his loins, the world is full of them…… he’ll even have the thrill of a little itch now and then. Gotta love those fireworks.

        Liked by 2 people

  4. Ok, wait. Did I read this correctly?
    1) His therapist suggested that YOU should move out?!? Why does it seem like you are the one making all the changes here? If he doesn’t love you, or loves you but doesn’t like you, then that’s his problem to solve. Oh my goodness.
    2) Fireworks?!? He tells you by text that he’s done with 30 years of marriage, and then expects a kiss to arouse you? Good lord. How old is he, 14? ( I can say that because I’m raising an emotionally stunted husband from his teen years as we speak. He’s nearly 50 but is about 17 emotionally, finally.).
    We don’t just accept that it’s over and then turn it back on again. Wow.

    Affairs bring fireworks, which is one reason they are so popular. Why do I keep getting the feeling he is just not being honest with you?🤷‍♀️

    I think a new therapist is in order, one who can see that your marriage doesn’t stand a chance until his issues with emotional immaturity are addressed.

    Hang in there, you are so strong!
    ☀️

    Liked by 1 person

  5. His therapist is paid to help him. A marriage counselor is paid to help your marriage but usually doesn’t help the people in the marriage as separate people. They are paid to keep someone within the marriage and learn to compromise. Not self actualize. This is crazy. You deserve so much. He sounds like such an idiot. What a fool

    Like

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