I am too tired to write
Too sad to care
Thinking that this life is unfair
But in reality
It is you
Going as far as you dare
Give an inch
Take a mile
A step beneath that smile
One lie too many
Another in the distance
Waiting for another place
And time in which to use it
I try to trust
Do my best to believe
But how can I
When you seek to deceive?
It is all in innocence
A misunderstanding at best
An erasure here
Your number there
Where it does not belong
To your sister
Who looks to betray
At every chance she gets
Like your Mother
She knows no boundaries
Like the ones you try to put on me
And the ones that she will never see
For you never insist
On a hard reality with her
The intimacy you have shared with sis
Long talks that should have been mine
And now a conversation with her
Vanished in thin air
Off you telephone
Were you talking of Viet Nam
Of the love that you found there
But cannot find here
About a woman who met all your desires
But only in your dreams
She seems so real, so true
So worth the $20,000
A bought and paid soulmate for you
That second family you wanted
Is she the woman for you?
Why don’t you take your sister there
And let her choose for you
It would be an easy choice
Because you know who she would pick
So fly away…
For you already have
And she is waiting to meet
The two of you
At night I hear
Your ragged breath
And wonder if…
It was soft and peaceful
I wonder if…
You touched her
In that soft and gentle way
That you used to stroke me
When we made love
I wonder if…
Her lips tasted sweeter
Her moans were
She reached for you
With a desperate ferocity
That I once had for you
I wonder if…
Her “LOVE” for you
On ALL the money
That you sent to her
Or if it was true
That she loved
That middle-aged man
That I once thought
I would grow old with
But now am not so sure
I wonder if…
You should go
With Our Children
Introduce them to their
And see just what she is made of
See if she still dresses
As if on a red carpet
When the only thing admiring
Are teens with worn out
And autism controlling
Every aspect of her life
I wonder if…
She would still greet you
A woman with no cares
Pleasing you sexually
As you lay back
Watching as she went down on you
Expecting nothing but your
Total devotion to her family
And your money in return
Or would she turn into me
Right before your eyes?
Old and overweight
Using a “STRONG” voice
And having expectations
Of things besides
A big dick
And gifts and your time for everyone
I wonder if…
Your dream of the perfect
Submissive youthful woman
Would suddenly be
Popped like a giant balloon
Air bursting out
Like flab over her bikini
She would stay
Calm, peaceful and serene
Peppy and pleasing
On this merry-go-round
That we call our lives
In the past two-weeks I have learned that our tour guide, my husband, and his sister all betrayed me; some in the most awful of ways. Could there be anything worse? Yes, there could be, as I have been so gently reminded from above.
As I have pondered things these past weeks I have catastrophized, neuroticised, fantasized, and hypothesized. I have cried a fifth of tears and singlehandedly kept the Kleenex company in business.
Finally, I could do nothing else but pray. So I did. In between sobs, hiccups, and the sorrowful sniffing of snot back into my sinus cavities; I asked for some help. Now, I am not much of a religious person but I have had my share of miracles when I have asked. This time all it appeared was that I received was a big bunch of nothing.
No, “I’M THINKING ON IT” or “YOU’VE RUN OUT OF MIRACLES FOR THIS LIFE.” The only thing I obtained was this fleeting phrase:
“Fuck,” I thought. “Where is the compassion, dude?”
“Come on, I know you’ve got better than that! Heck, you have parted seas and rained hot coals down on the wicked. The least you could do is a repeat performance.”
But IT COULD BE WORSE was all that was sent down from on high to me.
And then it occurred to me those worst-case scenarios might just be what was needed to lead me to find a slight bit of gratitude and happiness in my off-the-rails-life. So I pondered a bit and these came to me:
There. Indeed, it could have been worse. Way worse.
So for now, I am counting my blessings as I head into the third week of The Day My Life Went Straight To Hell a/k/a No More Tour Guides For Me.
Off I go:
To discover myself
To see how I feel
To eat chocolate
To see if I can forgive
For my sake
So I no longer
Carry this pain
As my FRIEND
To learn to let go
To learn to love myself
Maybe I will find
A little piece of myself
That I lost
Or maybe a big piece
Of my shattered soul
But whatever I find
It will be mine
To give or keep
As I choose
For that is the way
Of the Wounded Warrior
I tried to write a piece on betrayal but I was afraid I was going to short circuit my computer due to all the tears. So I decided to do the next best thing…share some of my new found quotes on the subject. And a few prize worthy ones on different subjects.
P.S. To all you who follow this blog, today I went to the doc and had my blood drawn for an AIDS test….see sometimes I do listen!
You remind me that when you first asked for the “maybe divorce” I asked for a year to try and make our marriage better. Now, 2 1/2 years later, me doing the hard work of psychotherapy, and you working your dick into a constant state of arousal as you thought about her; you want 6 months to show you that you do love me and want to be with me…FOREVER. So let me ask you:
How long will you wait for me to decide our fate?
Will you still wait for me even if it takes as many days
As the number of times you thought of her?
Will you still wait for me
The number of days that you fucked her
Slow and steady
Creating a woman whose perfection
Existed only in your mind?
Will you wait as many months
As the number of times you were fucking me
The mother of your children
While you were thinking of her?
Will you wait
As often as you contemplated divorcing me
While you imagined her
So easily replacing me
And taking up my space in your life?
How many days are you willing to wait?
Is it the number of slutty pictures you exchanged
Over your company phone
Bringing down the house of cards
On which your bodies were forever imprinted
Or the number of times you were messenging her
While I waited in the bedroom for you alone?
Will you wait
As long as you made me
CHANGE who I was in order
To be more like her?
Will you still be there
If it takes me the number of
Lost kisses and missed opportunities?
That you denied us
Because you felt guilty for betraying her?
Will you wait for me if it takes
Me 2 1/2 years to decide that
That I might no longer love you?
Or the number of days that I acted the fool
Believing I was your one and only
When she was across the ocean
Believing so too?
How many days will you wait?
The number of days you have
Shortened my life due to the
worry and pain you have inflicted
Upon my sad and trusting soul?
Or will you wait
The number of days
That equal the number of dollars
That you sent to her
Or the number of dresses she bought
With which to turn you on
When you took them off in your head
Maybe you will wait for the
Same amount of time that you
Have put me through hell
All 921 Days
All 132 Weeks
All 30 Months
All 22,104 Hours
All 1,326,240 Minutes
All 79,574,400 Seconds
Or Will You Be A Coward
And Will You Wait Until Tomorrow?
So this week we have been:
Him: His therapist once, marriage therapy marathon 2 hour session
Her: Her therapist for three hours, marriage therapy marathon 2 hour session
He was instructed by his therapist that he had to tell me the truth and answer any question I might have even if it is six months from now. And this is what I have learned.
2. Yes, there were times that he was messaging her from our home and I would ask who he was talking with and he would accuse me of being paranoid and make me feel bad about the kind of “suspicious” person that I was.
3. He was the one who suggested that they meet in Singapore. When I asked why he was there for four days without doing business he said he needed some down time. I guess that means down flat on his back while he was ridden like a stallion. What I am most pissed off about is where is the THANK YOU card from her for teaching him how to please and pleasure a woman. All that work over the years, from minute man to rocket man, and I don’t even get kudos from the recipient of my vast sexual knowledge.
4. He, as a rich middle-aged man white man, convinced her sister, a single impoverished very young woman in a third world country, to keep the baby she was going to abort. I suspect that one of the reasons she did not was that she was convinced he was going to marry her sister. Does he have any obligations to this child since he participated in a family decision to keep this baby boy? (and no it is not his)
5. This story is not unique in B’s family. His brother went looking for Russian brides spending all his money (and he had lots) on these women until he married one who would not sign a pre-nup and after their marriage would not move to the USA. B saw how his brother was soaked but “this is not the same. She is not that way.”
6. He looked into fiance visas.
7. Of course, he gave her up for me about two weeks ago after giving me a commitment ring on Christmas but continued to talk with her. BLAH!
8. With 10 minutes of knowing that I knew about them she put up pictures of her and B in Singapore along with a heart in which their hands are intertwined.
So as a wrap up. B has conducted this affair for almost three years while I was sending money to her (our tour guide in DaNang Vietnam) and books for her father. I ate lunch at her family’s home and met her parents and sister. He sent her thousands of dollars over the years and his sister was friends with his mistress on Facebook. She has at least four different Facebook pages with four different names. B told me he was going to Singapore on business, when in fact, it was slutty cum dumpster business. All of this while I was working hard in individual and marital counseling to improve our marriage while he was working on his relationship with her and making me feel like crap so that he could live with his guilt. Meanwhile, our children are falling apart, autism rearing its oh-so-destructive head and I have aged 10 years in two days. Oh, and the house we were selling…the guy backed out on the day he was suppose to sign.
And he LOVES (cough) me and wants to make it work.
While we were working on our marriage he used to say “I am not sure I love you. I hope to get it back but it might take 6 months or a year or that love might not ever return. Are you willing to wait?”
To this I say…to be continued tomorrow.
So the saga of my thirty+ year marriage continues.
After being assured by my husband that he loves me and will do anything for his family I told him I needed to have completed access to his phone which he agreed to. I asked many questions including wether he had seen her or not. He assured me that he had not and that she would not have sex with him if he was with his wife…how noble of her!
Later my oldest daughter Nicole called me. She said, ” I am sending you a picture that you need to see. It is dad with her in Singapore. She put the picture up after you emailed her.” (In that email I told her she was a fool and told her that she was not the only one he was doing this with. Did she really think that she was the only one?)
B and I were taking a walk with me asking questions. I opened the photo and saw him with the Chickie. He spent four days in Singapore fucking her last January. I asked him again, “Did you see her in Singapore?”
“Really, so what is this?” I asked showing him the picture.
“I don’t know who that is”
“It is you with her in Singapore, you dick. Recognize it now?”
He went white.
“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to lose you or my family.”
Soon another text from my daughter. Worse still…seems my husband’s sister Jo is Friends with Chickkie on Facebook. I saved her daughter’s life and that is the thanks that I get. WOW! To me, for whatever reason, that is the biggest betrayal of them all. You love her so much you are already having your sister welcome her to the family!
More texts from my daughter. The woman has four Facebook pages all with different names. My daughter then sends her a message that says “If you keep in touch with my Dad I will send your naked picture all over the internet including on your tour company site.” (Honey, I don’t think you should do that!)
The very unfortunate thing about all this is our children found out. I was packing to leave and told my son “Dad has hurt me deeply and I need a few days to clear my head. This has nothing to do with your you, your brother or sister. Sometimes adults disappoint each other and just like you need time away from your brother I need a little time away from your father, not you.”
He turned away from me angry and wouldn’t let me touch him.
“Honey, this is not my fault. This is due to a hurt that your Dad has done.”
B jumped in. “It is all my fault. Don’t blame your mother. I did something that hurt her very much and she didn’t deserve it. I am hoping she can forgive me (yeah thanks for putting that part in…making it my fault if I don’t forgive him…that is slick!)
Remember the telephone at the beginning of all of this…this is where it gets ugly.
Before I left I went and asked to see B’s phone. He said no.
“You promised,” I replied.
He handed it over nervously. I went to messenger and saw Chickie’s sister’s Face Time at the very top so I pressed the button. He went ballistic and tried to grab the phone. I tried to keep it away from him. He grabbed me by the arm that just got out of the sling. One thing led to another and because he was hurting me…I bit him. Over thirty years of marriage and we have never had a physical altercation in our entire lives…until now. At this point our kids walked in the front door and her us yelling about HER (they have never heard us yelling like that at each other EVER). I got the phone and went into the bathroom. My hands were shaking so hard, well, that darn IPhone jumped out of my hand and into the toilet. Now neither of us could talk to her.
“I guess if she doesn’t matter to you like you have said, you wouldn’t have cared if I called her but obviously she means more to you than I do. Tell you what your fears have all come true. Everyone knows and you have imploded our family. Now go to her. You are free.”
My son went outside and lost it and started hyperventilating and saying he couldn’t feel his legs and it went down from there into a full collapse. I spent time trying to calm him…it was the worst thing I have ever felt in my heart, ever. Gracie wouldn’t come out from under her covers. We have a totally traumatized family.
I am sleeping at a friends house. My life is a shambles. My kids are traumatized. My husband is without a job.
Life is good…and then it is not.
So Thursday B walked in the door ashen and with tears in his eyes. After 14 years of being the president of his company he was sacked. I said and did all the right things, loved on him and told him everything would be okay. I was the perfect wife.
After several hours of being at home he decided to download all the family pictures from his phone onto my computer since he was afraid his company would turn off his phone. Since then my computer has been running slow because he added over 2,000 pictures to it so today I decided to delete some after moving them to The Cloud. As I was going through them…SURPRISE!!!! …..I found a naked picture of a woman. Long story short, it was our tour guide from Viet Nam. The woman I had been sending money to occasionally to help her family….guess she decided to go after a bigger fish…B!
B confessed that he has been communicating with her for 1 1/2 years. That he has thought of going to see her….wonder if that is why he was so adamant that I could not go to China with him? I asked him if he has communicated with her since he gave me the commitment ring…he has…yep, that is commitment for you! I told him I wondered if that was one of the reasons he got fired because IT saw numerous naked pictures on his electronic devices.
Frankly, I feel good. Glad to know that my suspicions were not unfounded. Glad to know that these past two years have really been about him and not me. Glad to find out that he is a sex addict according to him. Yes, I am glad to know all of it. Glad to know he gave me the commitment ring on Christmas and talked to her after. Glad to know that when he sent the text from Boy Scout Camp that he wasn’t sure he had the passion or love to sustain our relationship, that he had just received naked pictures from her. I am glad to know all of this because now I know that I need to believe and trust in myself and I know without a doubt that he had one foot out of the door and was not giving me his all. And now I know what I need to do.
P.S. And to all of you who have told me so…I am sorry I didn’t believe you or kinda didn’t believe you. I was a fool.